Great Love, Great Joy, Great Peace

Life is definitely full of twists and turns and many "surprises".  I can truly say that it isn't ever boring and I am definitely being kept on my toes.   Each day is an opportunity for me to do better...to be a better person.   My ups and (especially) my downs have taught me many things and one of those is to keep my eyes forward but not to completely forget the past because it is the past that has brought me to this moment and this moment is an opportunity for great love, great joy and great peace.   

As I sit here (recovering from surgery) listening to my daughters playing some silly game in the other room with there Pa (Jonathan's dad). I am filled with great love because my girls are being loved by those that love them.  I am filling with great joy because their giggles are contagious and remind me to remember the little things.  I am filled with great peace because my girls are being well looked after and are in "good hands".  

I have been thinking a lot about my blood relatives, my "in-law" family and my friends that are family and I have drawn one conclusion.   I am VERY BLESSED.  I wish I could move all these people that mean so much to me into one location.  (Not many people can say that but I would truly be blessed to have them all near by).  The holiday season is usually a time of year where I get a little sad because too many of you are too far away but this year (although these surgeries are a pain) they have allowed for me to see more of all of you.  And next year my year is already booked with a trip to Kentucky, the Oakland Area, and my sister is coming to Florida.  All of this happens by April.  My heart is full of so much love.  A piece of you is in my heart and in my children's heart.  You each bring so much richness to our lives.  Thank you so much for all that you do and who you are to us.  We are definitely counting our blessings and the number is high.   

HOPE, JOY and LOVE

As you can imagine (especially over the last 1 1/2 years while I have been fighting cancer), the thought of my mortality has crossed by mind a few times.  And each time I think about it (let's be honest we ALL think about it), I have come to the same conclusion.   And that conclusion is that we are all dying and really NONE of us have any idea when our last day will be.  And usually what I say to myself is "Self, how do you want to spend your life on Earth?" And my answer is always, "Filled with joy and loving those around me the best I can."   You see I understand three things.  

Number one, my battle with cancer is NOT a "death sentence".  I actually believe it is a new "lease on life" -  a reminder that as I live out the rest of my life, I want to do it the best I can, living each day "making the best" of what I've got.  And what I've got is an amazing husband, 2 wonderful daughters and many family and friends that care about us.  

The second thing that I understand is what good does it do to mope around "waiting to die".  In all reality whether you are 100% healthy or your body is failing you, None of us know when our last day will be. We can all live just a few more weeks or 20 + years.  We could actually all just be moping around right now waiting for "our day to come" or we can choose to leave a legacy of Joy, Hope and Love for those around us instead of "gloom and doom".  My inspiration to remember joy, hope and love are named EstherJOY and NaomiHOPE.   Interestingly enough I get to be reminded of JOY and HOPE throughout the day, every time I look at them or say their names.  I want them to understand that each day is a day to rejoice and that each day is a day to bless others, sometimes with physical things but even more importantly with our attitudes and humility.  And sometimes we simply bless each other with a hug.  Hope can be giving someone you see on the street $10 so they can get their next meal.  Joy can be smiling at a stranger so that they know that someone sees them and thinks they are wonderful.   Love can be giving a hug to someone who is having a rough day so they can be reminded of what love feels like.  HOPE.  JOY.  LOVE.  

The third thing that I know is that the Lord loves me.  He loves those that I love (each and every one of you) and He loves all the people I don't know too.  That Love is what reminds me that my life has purpose, my life has meaning and my life can change lives.   I want my life to change lives.   I want people to look at me and ask  "how do you do it? How do you stay so strong?"  So I can tell them that it is not "me" that makes me strong but the love that the Lord has for me that gives me strength.   It is also the love of family and friends that give me strength.   None of us can do life alone.   We were not created to live life alone.  We were created for relationships.  Look around you and count your blessings.   I am sure that there are many around you whether they come in the form of hope, joy or love.  They are there.  You are loved.  

The Day My Life Changed Forever

18 months ago I found out that I did in fact have breast cancer, the diagnosis was just a confirmation for what I was actually already feeling to be true. You see when your mother, grandmother and great grandmother all die from breast cancer and you find a lump, you suspect the worst to be true. I can't remember the exact date or the exact time but I can tell you exactly how I felt at the time of the diagnosis- numb. There was so much information being thrown at my husband and I that I am not sure there was time to feel anything else. As the days went by and a "game plan" was put into place THAT was when the emotions were able to surface... anger, fear and sadness. Did I mention that I have two beautiful amazing daughters?  At the time of the diagnosis they were 20 months and 3 1/2 years old. All these emotions I was feeling weren't for me but instead for my daughters. All of the "what ifs" started to creep into my mind. "What if I didn't get to see my girls get married?' "What if I didn't get to see them graduate from high school?" "What if I didn't even see them start school?" What will happen to them? How will they feel? I know that if something happens to me I will be in heaven. But the thought of my girls suffering the loss of their mother and possibly at an age that they didn't understand what is happening brought me to tears, sobbing tears. It still does. About a week after the diagnosis I knew I needed to have a "heart-to-heart" with God. I knew if I was to move forward -to fight this -to beat this, I needed to be at peace with all of this. God and I hashed it out. It took a few days, lots of honesty from me and allowing myself to really "hear from God".    When I walked away from this talk with God, I had a "peace that surpassed all understanding" (which I still have today) and a promise from God that this trial, this diagnosis would bring many great blessings into my life (and those lives around me). From that day forward I had much to look forward to. I knew there would be a lot of hard, messy days but I also knew that there would be much more beauty than sadness.

Within two weeks of being diagnosed, my sister and I had a better relationship than we have had in our adult lives. It continues to only get better. Within a few months of being diagnosed, my relationship with a friend that I had been enstranged from for a few years was restored. We will have known each other for 20 years this August. Over the past year, I have learned to cherish every moment with my girls -to take in every moment, each step of the way. I have learned that it really doesn't matter who is "right" but more important to see and understand each other. I have learned that my husband is even more amazing and selfless than I ever thought possible. I have learned to lean on people who are here to help. I have learned that this world is full of many amazing people who fill my life (and my family's life) with such joy and love. I have learned that no matter how far away someone lives, I can feel their love as if they are right by my side. I have learned that the Lord will never leave me nor forsake me.

If someone asked me today, "Would you change this season of your life?", I would reply, "On one hand, of course I would like to be cancer free". To never have had to endure chemo, neck surgery, a double mastectomy, losing my hair, and radiations. To never have had to ponder my kids living without me.   BUT on the other hand, my answer would be "no I wouldn't change it". If I did I might have missed out on so much beauty, restored relationships, and those quiet precious moments with my girls and husband (they would have still happened, I just might not have "seen" them the way I do now).  The reality is, life is fragile no matter who you are or what you come up against. It can end at any time, so what is the point in dreading this season I am in. I choose to live my life, each day to the fullest - filled with love, hope, joy and PEACE."